La Macha Plymouth

"They say I'm a macha, hell on wheels, viva-la-vulva, fire and brimstone, man-hating, devastating, boogey-woman lesbian. Not necessarily, but I love the complement."
— Sandra Cisneros

Shady

Now that South Korea, the United States, Mexico, and North Korea (in that order) are out of contention for the world cup, my valuable mojo has been directed towards Diego Maradona's Argentina.

Why? Perhaps the answer is most simply encapsulated in the simple picture above. It's just so real, so shady, so Maradona. Outsiders quietly judge and wonder how many kilos of candy have run through those nostrils. And this crew of Argentina's national coaches couldn't give a fook.

Plus, there is the story factor. One of the greatest ever, hater of the french, short in stature, fully embraced by the 80s, battles addiction, obesity, to help lead Argentina to the promised land again. However, this time as a coach.And along the way, takes his buddies from the 80s along for the ride. The story is just too good. And it can only get better if he's embraced again by modern pop culture and starts dating Paris Hilton.

Speaking Out

Had some friends over for dinner last night. My sister is also in town and earlier that day she came across a website (www.americaspeakingout.com) that was created by House Republicans. The site invites everyday americans to become part of the policy making process. According to the site, it is "your opportunity to change the way Congress works by proposing ideas for a new policy agenda. Republicans have offered solutions, and we have our principles, but this is a new venue for us to listen to you. So Speak Out."

I think the republicans who came up with the site underestimate the political leanings and overestimate the basic maturity level of the people who use the internet. And just because comments can be voted on with a digg-like thumbs up or down does not make it a state-of-the-art social media site as one republican representative purports it to be in a press release.

Not surprisingly, hilarious ideas from all corners of the web have been flowing and last night, we took out the laptop and submitted some ideas.

I found it to be a good creative exercise to write in the voice of a narrow-minded conservative. The idea had to be ludicrous but it had to plausibly come from a conservative. The tone had to be categorical and adamant. The more sweeping it was, the better. And the shorter ones get more traction.

Here are three that i submitted:

1) "Make future presidents submit MULTIPLE backup AUTHENTIC birth certificates!!" I wrote this statement under American Values. As of this morning, this idea got 54 votes and 3 responses.

2) "Why can't NASA come up with an American version of Karate?" This one was submitted to the National Security category. I particularly like this one because it challenges a government agency to come up with a better form of self-defense and it has all the necessary nationalistic undertones. Unfortunately, it received the fewest votes as of this morning with 9 votes.

3) "The US military should adopt the mullet as the official haircut of the armed forces. Symbolically, this style tells Al Kaida that we're protected from the back. Practically, it offers sun protection and less time on barbershop chairs at military bases and more time kickin' butt." This one has had the most momentum. Twenty votes in less than an hour.

These were ok but some of the ones i've read on the site have been inspired.

Chicken and Beers

I think the show "Parks and Recreation" has been in a sweet spot for me lately. Maybe because I'm really on board with the way the characters are evolving. It was easy to pity or write Leslie off in the beginning but lately since she's started to date, she's totally becoming a character I'm rooting for.

I couldn't really put my finger on it until her boss made a comment on the last episode about her current boyfriend, a cool guy caricature who's been all over the world. Her boss tells her that that he's a tourist. He vacations in people's lives. Takes pictures, puts them in his scrapbook and moves on. I thought that was pretty poignant.

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So the Valentine's Day themed episodes on NBC inspired me to do something with MJ yesterday. She'd been working incredibly hard lately and i thought it'd be nice to take her out. Plus, she wasn't really expecting anything which made me feel bad about the relationship standards/bar I'd been setting for ourselves. So I dressed up and took her out to eat some fried chicken and drink some beers.

She decided to go with t-shirt and jeans which I thought was very practical and funny. Maybe the bartender would feel sorry for me for trying so hard by dressing up and not knowing any better than to take her somewhere that who's menu didn't revolve around chicken wings.

Whatevs. The chicken was soo good. Afterwards we walked by a Salvadorean Pupuseria. I hadn't had a proper pupusa since I used to wash cars at the dealership. This lady would come in her station wagon and ice cooler filled with foil wrapped pupusas on saturday mornings.

I told her about my nostalgia and we went in for some post-dinner pupusa appetizers. It was soo good. I told her that i felt as if she was taking me out but that I was paying for everything. We had a good laugh over that one.

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Netflix has been really good to me lately. I've been watching a wide range of things. I'm not sure how I feel about the ratings feature but I've been diligently rating movies with hopes that in the end will introduce me to better movies and that it won't make me feel less special.

Saw a few episodes of Morgan Spurlock's 30 days series yesterday. I really liked the first episode of Season 2. A minuteman, a member of one of those civilian militias that patrol the border, goes to east LA to live with a family whose parents are illegal immigrants, for a month.

Before he came, the family was discussing what ethnicity the would want the guy to be. The eldest daughter made a comment that she could understand if he was white but it would be the worst if he was hispanic. I had to agree and ta-da the guy turns out to be cuban whose parents had immigrated to the states.

It was a really interesting look into a minuteman's mentality. I know their arguments but I don't really understand them. Kinda scared of them actually. In the episode, he goes through a slight transformation to the point where he went back home and doesn't patrol the border armed to the teeth anymore.

La Joie

It's been a while since I've written here. It feels like revisiting your childhood home as an adult long after your parents moved away. The trees in the neighborhood are bigger but everything else feels smaller. The streets are narrower than you remember; driveways sport more oil stains; and the boogers you left everywhere are placed so low to the ground.

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As I'm kicking the blog's binary walls , I feel as though it needs a renovation. Maybe I've been watching too much "Kitchen Nightmares with Gordon Ramsay" on hulu. It's because of this show that I'm weaning myself from mid-range mexican restaurants and vietnamese with unexposed kitchens. Too many corners are cut behind closed doors. Even taco bell allows you to see how your burrito supreme is put together. If I can catch the artisan's eye, I always give an encouraging lift of chin acknowledgment. It tells him or her that there is no third wall. The third wall has been penetrated and please don't skimp on the beef, amigo. Ahh, I digress.

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So everything here feels a bit awkward. Too much white space along the margins, shouts Ramsay. He threatens to walk out. The name is totally misplaced. You don't even serve fried chicken and there's nothing french on the menu. And the sidebar is too cluttered. I'll get to those things later, I yell back. "I'm going to finish my coffee, bug MJ and get her to laugh by popping and locking in a suprisingly smooth way, then suddenly feel tired, contemplate a nap, nap, and then surf . . . the internet, and then get to your list of things to do, Senor Ramsay."

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But he's right. It's time for an overhaul. And actually I've been prepping for one while I've been away. This blog is about to become more distilled, more about my core passions - literature, art, food, everyday "la joie de vivre" things. The other blog I've prepped is more for the leftovers. It will become the leftover repository of the inspirational and aspirational ideas and facts that I come across along the way.

Holy Syntax

i just read a NY Times article and a Wired magazine piece that says that Campbell's Monkeys not only have language but that we understand it.

Though some researchers have ascribed syntax to animals, it’s never been formally demonstrated — until now.

“People have criticized the use of ’syntax’ to describe animals just because they produce sequences of sound. They say that each unit has no meaning, that no rules explain how they’re combined,” said Lemasson. “Here we have rules of combination.”

For example, male monkeys called “boom boom” to gather other monkeys to them, but “boom boom krak-oo krak-oo” meant that a tree or branch was about to fall. Adding a “hak-oo” to that sequence turned it into a territorial warning against stray monkeys from neigboring groups. Multiple “krak-oo” calls added to an original “krak” meant not only that a leopard was in the area, but that it posed an immediate threat.

I recently saw Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey and I can't stop thinking about the phrase, "Dawn of Man." Curious George also comes to mind.

Recalibrating My Bucket List

Unfortunately, I saw this video and I now have to remove "Kick Sand on the Beaches of Belize" from my bucket list.

Animal Style

De Gustibus Non Est Disputandum. There's no arguing about taste.

Here's of 25 of the best fast food in America according to Details magazine:

1. In-N-Out Burger’s 2x4, Animal Style
2. Chick-fil-A’s Chicken Sandwich
3. Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen’s Spicy Bonafide Chicken
4. Steak ‘n Shake’s Double Steakburger With Cheese
5. Skyline Chili’s Inverted 3-Way
6. Chick-fil-A’s Waffle Potato Fries
7. Culver’s Dairyland Cheese Curds
8. Wendy’s Original Chocolate Frosty
9. Sonic’s Tots
10. Baja Fresh’s Baja Fish Taco
11. McDonald’s French Fries
12. The Varsity’s Chili Cheese Slaw Dog
13. Dairy Queen’s Oreo Cookie Blizzard
14. Kelly’s Roast Beef’s Roast Beef Sandwich
15. Carl’s Jr.’s Onion Rings
16. Taco Bell’s Caramel Apple Empanada
17. Taco Cabana’s Carne Guisada Taco
18. Biscuitville’s Ham, Fried Egg & Cheese Biscuit
19. Sonic’s Cherry Limeade
20. Jack in the Box’s Seasoned Curly Fries
21. Blake’s Lotaburger’s Green Chile Cheeseburger
22. Arby’s Jamocha Shake
23. Pollo Tropical’s Yuca With Garlic Sauce
24. Bojangles’ Cajun Filet Biscuit
25. White Castle’s Double Cheeseburger

I've got some work to do. The bold ones are ones I've experienced. And 4 of the 8 that I've tried come directly from their respective establishments' fry station. I'm embarrassed with the lack of range.

I had a chance to try (12) when I went to Atlanta to visit MJ's family but the visit to The Varsity kept getting put off because of other cultural activities. Sigh. Actually, the deep fried pickle was worth it.

Purple Haze

Before I officially began the process of whittling down my possessions in anticipation of my move at the end of summer, I lost focus and bought a huge print of Jimi Hendrix by artist David Choe. It pretty much cleaned out what I had squirreled away for a new computer. But hopefully, my macgyver fix of duct tape on power cord will last another six months. Now. . .scuse me while I kiss the sky.

Letter to Schick

Letter to Schick Corporation:

A few weeks ago, I took a pair of scissors into the shower and trimmed my pubes a.k.a. took-a-pair-of-scissors-on-a-little-work-trip-to-the-land-down-under.

Thinking back and considering the adverse conditions—the steam, mist, the slippery tub, my bad vision, and the sensitive nature of the work site--I can’t help but wonder what the phuck was I thinking. At the time, however, I guess that I was too focused to notice. I concentrated on the task at hand and blocked everything else out. Each snip was immediately gratifying but the feeling soon left and I would feel “un-sh-yat-tees-fied” in KGB’s voice from Rounders.

Fast forward a few days and the feeling was a distant memory. I had discovered that Schick Intuition is the most amazing pubic-area shaving device ever invented. It feels like you’re fake shaving. It has a self-lathering feature with aloe! and Vitamin E!, so that it doesn’t even feel like you’re shaving. Using it was like taking a floating lawnmower made of white mink fur to one’s curlies.

If the Statue of Liberty held it up, it would be a beacon for modernity. If someone told me that it worked through the power of gentle microwaves, just strong enough to blow the seed puff off of a dandelion, I would not be the least bit surprised.

My name is Corey Ahn. I am a man. And I use Schick Intuition.